Where Do I Stand?

It is difficult to think back and pinpoint one significant something someone has said to me in my life. I think back and I realize there are so many of those memories in my mind. It makes me thankful. Memories are connected to emotions. You want someone to remember something? Make it emotional. It is a simple science that many public speakers have mastered. You create an environment of emotions and trigger memories and everyone loves you and never forgets you. You win that moment. You took it and you branded it. See I am the type of person that connects a ton of emotion to words. I love words; I mean I am in love with words. They are mine, I possess them and every day I discover new ones and that means new toys to play with. With more ways to put into articulation the insects flying around inside the bones that cover the mastermind that governs me. Insects, man that is cleverly accurate, these thoughts are everywhere and they are consistently and incessantly being pestered by other insects.

Back to the unforgettable, touching, forever immortalized, emotionally reacting, lifer altering words that were chosen and weaved together just for my quick analysis of…”If it matters to you, you will get it done. Someway and somehow you will do it.” These words pointed out something in human nature that many go through life never legitimately considering. Just like writing, if it meant something to you, you would do it. The things we put off, the people we don’t call back, the things we often forget or can’t find any time to do, those things are the things that don’t mean that much to us. When I decide I want something, I find a way, I go after it, and I make it mine. It matters; therefore it gets done. The things I detest, I could live without, that I feel uncomfortable doing, get pushed back, forgotten, and excused away. The meaning, if we pay close attention, we can consciously discern where exactly, we are with others. How they genuinely feel about us and how they honestly feel about things. We learn all too well what it is that truly matters to them. Why do we perpetually ignore this?


Killing Them With Kindness

We all have our pessimistic moments and negative thoughts within us but if you know me, you know I hate negativity. The world gives us enough heartache, we as humans need to bring love and light to this world. We need to be here for our brothers and sisters and not tear them down. I despise jealousy and hate. Of course, I am not claiming innocence. I have had my fair share of these emotions but as I have grown and matured I have seen that these negative thoughts and ugly emotions have gotten me no where!! Unfortunately, there are those people in life that you can not explain this to, no matter how hard you try. There are people in this life that are on one level and you will never get them to see beyond their walls. Now, I do not know if this is due to immaturity, brain chemistry or over use of brain altering chemicals that has caused them to be perpetually stuck in the bottom rungs of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Whatever the reason, I am done dealing with it, I am burnt out, you will no longer suck energy out of me.

I have decided and commit that from this day forward I will work on self actualization. I will no longer feed the bad wolf within me or within anyone else. When someone else tries to put me down or rain on my parade, my response will be thank you for your opinion, and that is that. No more trying to get them to see the real problem at hand, to see their anger and insecurities. I understand these people are feeling a great deal of pain within themselves. They have to be miserable, why else would they still keep on acting the way they do. They are craving control and power because really they are full of self-doubt, hate and insecurities. I can not allow myself to continue to play into such an ugly cycle. After enough, thank you for your opinion replies, they will move on. They will see that the energy they want from me, they can not have! No more retaliation or arguing, it is your anger and frustration and yours alone. Deal with it!

I will be the best I can be in my life! I will continue to grow and expand and learn! I will become all I am capable of becoming!

“If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.”

Abraham Maslow




An Ode to the Darkness

Farewell old friend,
The delusion allures me.
As with a parting glimpse,
My soulful, artistic word play will leave me.
With a hollow void the medication begins to diminish what makes me,
along with the nightmare that haunts me.


I Created You, Now What?

As parents what are we responsible for? What are our true duties to our children? It is a topic that I have been twirling around in my noggin for a few days now. As a mother, I feel this is automatic to me. I meet their needs, whatever their needs may be, I meet them. Have you ever stepped back and looked at it from the perspective of what it means to be their parent?

I am not sure I am being clear, let me give you the background to these thoughts.

You fall in love, you get married, you have a precious baby and then it all falls apart. Next thing you know you are co-parenting and have separate households and court orders telling you when you have to share and how to play nice. Well, if we could get along don’t you think we might still be with the other person? No matter what is happening you both swear it is being done with the child’s best interest at heart and who is to judge that?

So let us examine the “duties” of a parent, the essentials; not the feel good, raise a wonderful productive citizen but the actual requirements of parenting. After hours of google searching, here is what I have put together:

  • Safety- As parents we are to make sure our children are safe and free from abuse. We need to make their environment as safe as possible.
  • Basic Needs- water, shelter, food, a bed, clothes, medical care
  • Education- communicating with teachers, completing homework, paying for school, following progress
  • Structure- discipline, guidelines, stability
  • Legally- Their troubles are ours.

So….this leads me to the question of the month. How do you make sure your child has all their needs met, by you, if you do not have them in your residence full-time? How do non-residential parents make sure they are the best parents to their children even when they are not there getting them ready and taking them to school, checking fevers, paying for lunches and doing homework? How would you as a parent fulfill your duties and do so in a way that is not negative, controlling and nasty to the other parent?

If you are reading this, I want your opinion, I want your feedback and engagement. I am not the expert, nor do I claim to be.


Walking on Water

I love this picture and the words that describe the photographers reasoning behind the darkness.

Broken Light Collective

Photo taken by contributor Ty Fitzgerald, a man who has been diagnosed with Bipolar II. Ty has a fondness for Lo-fi and Lux filters because they intensify shadows, highlights and colors. Such photos visually represent the way he sees the world, a little brighter and darker than he imagines those without bipolar disorder see the world.

About this photo: “This photo was taken in New Smyrna Beach, FL at sunset. A father and son were fishing and I managed to get a shot with just the son in it. The tide was coming in and there was water pooling all around him. When I dropped to the sand to take the shot, it looked like he was walking on water. I like this shot a lot because it has that “decisive moment” that Henri Cartier-Bresson described, where just a split second sooner or later, it would not have worked. I like to take photos of people when…

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The truth is tonight I am beyond tired, as I am most days. I am many things to many people and on average I voluntarily over extend myself.

My thoughts about today’s writing have been centered around my intentions and goals for starting and writing a blog. Am I trying to change the world? Heavens no! Ain’t nobody got time for all that! Am I trying to figure out my life? Aren’t we all? Will writing help me be even more self aware? Probably. When I write it is a stress relief. It feels great to put the “pen to the pad” and get it off my chest. My rambling thoughts becoming flowing sentences and ideas and I realize things and make observations and connections that I may have never made if I kept it all contained within.

So yes, I am just as busy as the next. Yes, I am a mother. Yes, I am a wife. Yes, I am a poet. Yes, I am a writer. And with this being my second post, yes, I feel relieved.

I’m off to nighty night now. I have many more to serve with love tomorrow and dreamland is beckoning me.

What helps you decompress? How do you take time out of the day to process?

We will see what tomorrow brings!



12 years since that day

Today marks an event in many of my fellow friends and families lives that we shall never forget. For many it was their first experience with death and it has left an imprint on my heart.

Growing up in such a small community I was able to find my best friend early in life. She was a little red-haired girl who lived what I thought was “across town”. She happened to have three little brothers whose main mission while growing up, I am pretty sure, was to annoy us anyway they could. So by the time I was 20 I had known them literally their whole life. I even can recall the day the youngest was born and first brought home from the hospital, since it was the first time I had ever seen a newborn baby! My best friend and I and these three little boys literally grew up together. I am pretty sure that her parents could have legally claimed me on their taxes.

But back to this tragic day….

12 years ago today we lost the youngest two in a car wreck. It is a day tattooed on my heart and seared into my brain forever. At the tender ages of 14 and 15, Tommy and Seth were forever gone from us all. It was the first time I, along with many others, had to learn to mourn and grieve for someone we were so close to and that were taken from us all to soon. I look back on the days following the event and I do not understand were we found the strength and stamina to continue on. To greet fellow community members as they brought the family food, to make arrangements for the funeral with the pastors, to smile and nod when we were suppose to. My goal then was to be strong and hold Amanda up. This was about her and what she needed from me as her best friend and not about me and my own needs as a grieving friend.

I loved them and to this day I still do. I love their mother, their brother and their sister as well. I remember them today, like I do many days but today I also remember the pain like I had never felt before this day. I remember the sorrow and the anger. I remember looking at the graves wanting to rip the dirt away and shake them awake convinced this was nothing but another bad dream!

This day changed many lives twelve years ago and I wonder what could have been; what kind of men would they have been. What kind of fathers and husbands would they have made. What would they be doing now?

Hold on to your loved ones and remember lives are precious and tomorrow may not come for some. Sometimes trying to make sense of things that happen in life is the hardest thing we try to do as humans, especially when there is no sense there to make. Learning the pain of death was one of the hardest things this life as taught me as it is a physical pain as well as an emotional one. I also know that missing the dead is a longing that will never be satisfied.